Summer break, or summer break up?

We picture our summer holidays as idyllic times spent with those we love. However, often the holiday period can throw an unwelcome spotlight on our relationships. Chris Denmark takes a look at why things go wrong and how relationship/couples counselling can help.

As the weather finally improves our thoughts turn to summer holidays and all the time away with our loved ones - no interruptions and none of the daily grind. While this seems like the promise of bliss, it sadly often brings problems. We are suddenly in the uninterrupted company of our partner and this extra time together can throw an unwelcome spotlight on the fault lines of our relationship.

Relationship counselling and therapy

Our relationships are one of the most significant components of our lives, yet we set aside little time to nurture them in our busy modern lifestyles and before we know it things can become strained.

Relationship counselling or therapy seeks to address the patterns and difficulties and support the strengths in our relationships. Couples can come for therapy together or clients may choose to come individually to focus specifically on relationships.

Common issues in relationships

Relationship therapy can be helpful in exploring a number of issues.

Arguing - Couples can become locked into what seems like a deadly duel of arguing, which can become focused on the language of winners and losers and not the needs of both partners. The apparent surface topic of an argument is not always the whole story and old hurts are often replayed on a daily basis. "You never change the toilet roll," then sadly becomes, "you don't love me".
Lack of intimacy - Couples can describe feeling like flat mates and it is often helpful to look at why they feel such a lack of intimacy. This can mean sexual intimacy, but is often a more general sense of things not feeling right. Professor Leslie Greenberg a Canadian Counselling Psychologist, describes a 'pursue-distance cycle' where one partner pursues intimacy and the other distances themselves. Unfortunately the pursuer's strategy fuels the problem rather than fixing it, as the pursued partner becomes more distant as a form of escape.
Relationship beliefs and learning from our families - We often bring ideas about how relationships should be or how we should look after children, for example, from the families we grow up in. This learning can be less obvious too and can be at an emotional level. This can provoke difficulties in current relationships when assumptions about relationships aren't shared by both partners. Reactions to a partner's behaviour may have roots in earlier significant relationships and emotional learning. Examining our beliefs can often help in understanding why things aren't working.
Mental health problems - Common mental health difficulties, such as depression or anxiety, can have significant consequences for relationships. Working with the relationship either as a couple or an individual in counselling/therapy can often be helpful in dealing with the problems. Sometimes this is undertaken alongside individual therapy or counselling for the particular mental health issue.
Relationship endings - The end of a significant relationship can be truly devastating and can be likened to grief. While equally traumatic for both genders, men often find the apparent discrepancy between what they think and know (this relationship is over) and what they feel (but I still love her or him) particularly difficult to understand and resolve and they may be less likely to seek appropriate support. For both genders, individual counselling at this stage can help make sense of this loss.

Hopes for holiday bliss?

There is no doubt time spent together on holiday can bring relationship problems to the fore, but taking the time to work at a significant relationship and to understand its strengths and weaknesses can really help put some couples back on course to future holiday bliss.