Assertiveness

Do you find it hard to say ‘no’? Or lose your temper when people disagree with you? Do you feel guilty for expressing your opinion? If so, you might benefit from developing your assertiveness skills.

What is assertiveness?

There are many misconceptions over the meaning of this term, and initially it may be more useful to clarify what it is not. Assertiveness is not learning how to be aggressive or how to bully people into agreeing with you. In fact, assertiveness is more about resisting people who act in this way. Being able to communicate assertively is extremely important in all areas of your life, as it allows you to express your feelings and opinions openly and honestly without fear of reproof, as well as listening respectfully to the feelings and opinions of others.

There are three main types of communication:

Passive - A passive communicator submits to the dominance of another. They may appear reluctant to express their opinion, particularly if it differs from the dominant view-point, and put their own needs and wishes to one side to please another or to ‘avoid a fuss’. Their speech is littered with phrases such as ‘’I don’t mind’ or ‘sorry’, and is often mumbled. A passive communicator may have very low self esteem, thinking their opinion is unworthy of expression. Their body language may be very introverted, with little eye contact.
Aggressive - an aggressive communicator is at the opposite end of the spectrum, demonstrating a lack of respect for other people’s point of view. Aggressive communicators dominate social interactions – their body language can be imposing, intruding into the personal space of the other person, and their voice and speech may be distinctively loud, fast and over-whelming. They may resent their opinion being challenged, and become more aggressive as a result.
Assertive - assertive communicators acknowledge the right of everyone, themselves included, to express their thoughts and feelings openly, as well letting others express their own unhindered.

An assertive communicator:

does not yield to manipulation or intimidation by others.
is able to ask for what they want without resorting to aggression or hostility.
does not feel guilty for saying 'no'.
makes decisions for themselves.
accepts criticism.

The negative effects of unassertive communication are far-reaching:

saying 'yes' to unfair requests of others.
anxiety about a previous situation when you could have said or done something differently.
social isolation due to anxiety about interactions or being overly hostile towards others.
low self-esteem and depression.

Solutions

There are plenty of things you can do to help yourself, and many resources available to help you resist manipulation, cope with criticism and be more assertive. Practice is key to becoming more assertive! Find a local group that offers assertiveness training (see below).

Body language is something you can practise in front of a mirror. Relax your shoulders, stand up straight and maintain eye contact. Keep your posture open, and your voice calm and clear.
Ask a friend to practise situations that you find difficult to deal with. For example, you might have problems making certain requests at work. You could swap roles to see both perspectives. Use ‘I’ phrases – for example, ‘I think...’, ‘I feel...’ to show you are taking ownership of your thoughts and actions.
Take your time – in order to regain self control in an intimidating situation, take a step back and reflect on what you are going to say, rather than going along with a more dominant point of view.
Repetition – if you feel you are not being listening to, or that someone is avoiding an issue, calmly repeat your request until it is acknowledged and dealt with. Accept criticism – by acknowledging your weaknesses they can no longer be used against you.

More information

First Psychology Centre, Edinburgh can help you. Contact us on 0131-668-1440 to find out more or to arrange an initial session.
See our links at www.edinburghtherapy.co.uk/links.htm for details of organisations who may be able to provide assistance or information.

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